Top Secret Peace Brief: Russia–Ukraine
Everyone says they want peace. Here’s what they actually want.
🏛️ Presented by The Ministry of Absolute Truth™
Dispatch No. 27-1125-RU-UA
Issued: 25 November 2025
Classification: Public Enlightenment Directive
Subject: Peace in Ukraine — Now With 87% More Lies
📌 A Citizen’s Notice of Authorized Truth
The Ministry has recently conducted a forensic audit of all “peace negotiations” between Russia, Ukraine, the United States, and their respective cheerleading sections. The analysis concludes:
There is no peace deal. There are only sales pitches.
Everyone at the table wants peace the way a loan shark wants “financial dialogue.”
This Directive will describe who wants what, what they pretend to want, and how the game is rigged to continue until someone finally collapses or runs out of ammunition, whichever provides the best optics.
🎭 SECTION I: Official Statements vs. Actual Motives
🇺🇦 Ukraine
Public Narrative:
“We demand full sovereignty, restoration of borders, reparations, security, justice, and freedom.”
Actual Strategy:
“We need weapons, money, and time. Give us 10 years of not dying and Russia might implode on its own.”
Unspoken Fear:
“If the West gets bored and leaves us alone in a dark alley with Russia, we die on live television.”
Ministry Translation:
Integrity + Ammunition = Sovereignty
🇷🇺 Russia
Public Narrative:
“We seek peace, security, demilitarization, neutral Ukraine, and historical justice for Russian lands.”
Actual Strategy:
“Give us Crimea forever, Donbas officially, a land bridge to Crimea, no trial, no shame, lift sanctions, and we 100% promise not to invade again unless we feel like it.”
Unspoken Fear:
“If we return empty-handed, we get overthrown by the people who normally overthrow other people.”
Ministry Translation:
We did not steal anything; we are simply repossessing history.
🇺🇸 United States
Public Narrative:
“We are helping our ally defend its sovereignty and working for peace with dignity.”
Actual Strategy:
“Let’s bleed Russia slowly. Ukraine should win enough to survive, not enough to cause Moscow to disintegrate and drop nukes like party favors.”
Unspoken Fear:
“A Ukrainian blitzkrieg victory would be inconvenient. Russia should lose responsibly.”
Ministry Translation:
Support Ukraine. Never let them win too fast.
🇪🇺 Europe
Public Narrative:
“We support Ukraine, democracy, peace, and international law.”
Actual Strategy:
“There are two Europes:
One wants Russia in pieces (Poland & the Baltics).
The other wants cheap gas and plausible deniability (Germany & Friends).”
Unspoken Fear:
“The U.S. leaves, and we actually have to defend ourselves. Imagine the horror.”
Ministry Translation:
Solidarity depends on pipeline pressure.
🗺️ SECTION II: The Territorial Truth Map
A Ministry-Approved Field Guide to What Can and Cannot Be “Negotiated”
📌 Areas Russia Will Never Give Up (Without Regime Failure)
Crimea
Core Donbas (occupied parts of Luhansk & Donetsk)
The land corridor to Crimea through Mariupol & Zaporizhzhia
Ministry Explanation:
Without these, Russia would need a new President before sunset.
📌 Areas Ukraine Will Never Give Up (Even if Reality Disagrees)
Legal claim to Crimea and all recognized borders
Remaining Ukrainian-held cities in Donbas
The right to have a serious army
Ministry Explanation:
If Ukraine signs away land on paper, it collapses faster than a crypto startup in 2022.
📌 Areas Both Sides Pretend Are Negotiable
Bits of Kherson & Zaporizhzhia, depending on who is losing that week
Nuclear plant “co-management”, which is the diplomatic version of two burglars arguing who gets to keep the stolen TV
Ceasefire lines, also known as “Please pause while we reload”
🧨 SECTION III: The Peace Plans No One Is Going to Sign
The Original U.S. 28-Point Peace Proposal
Advertised as: “A balanced solution for mutual prosperity.”
Actually was: “What if Ukraine admits defeat politely?”
Key features:
✔ Russia keeps Crimea
✔ Russia keeps Donbas
⚠ Ukraine gets neutrality
⚠ Russia gets sanctions relief
❌ Reparations? “Let’s not upset anyone important.”
The Revised 19-Point Version
Drafted after Zelenskyy said something diplomatic like:
“Are you insane?”
Advertised as: “A fair compormise”
Actually was: “No one wins, at least not obviously.”
Upgraded features:
No referenda in occupied zones
No forced neutrality label
Added reconstruction funding
Tightened sanctions snap-back
Still vague enough to screw someone later
Ministry Summary:
The 28-point plan was “Russia wins.”
The 19-point plan is now “Nobody wins, but at least Ukraine doesn’t obviously lose.”
🔮 SECTION IV: Authorized Future Prediction
Before citizens panic or celebrate, the Ministry reminds you of a timeless directive:
History is a slot machine. Outcomes depend on who keeps feeding quarters into the fire.
Below is a Ministry-certified glimpse of the future:
According to the Ministry’s Bureau of Strategic Cynicism, the likelihood of each outcome will be:
📢 Public Service Message
If any world leader claims:
“We are closer than ever to a just peace.”
Please note:
Their country is not the one being bombed.
END OF FILE — DO NOT DUPLICATE
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I think there’s one ending “Ministry’s Bureau of Strategic Cynicism” forgot to mention. And I’m afraid it is the most likely one. Might be that it’s because even mentioning is a heresy. Anyway. The train has left the station and keeps rolling toward it. No one seems to be able to alter its course. War is like a big fire. You choose when you start one. How much scorched earth you get in result is not in your hands.