Peace Talks and Personal Hitmen
When the Man at the Table Is Called “The Strangler,” the Peace Was Never the Goal
Presented by The Ministry of Absolute Truth™
Dispatch No. PT-0525-02
Issued: 16 May 2025
Classification: Public Enlightenment Directive
Subject: Meet the Strangler – Peace Talks with a Personal Hitman
🧾 Overview:
The Istanbul Peace Talks are officially underway. Cameras flashed. Delegations posed. Reporters yawned. But behind the polished podiums and pre-written press releases stood a shadow—the man Ukrainians call “The Strangler.”
Yes, Oleksandr Poklad, Deputy Head of Ukraine’s SBU (Security Service), is now confirmed to have taken a front-row seat at the negotiating table in Istanbul. He’s not a diplomat. He’s not a peace advocate. He’s the guy intelligence insiders claim handles “wet work” for Kyiv.
👤 Who Is Poklad?
Multiple reports, including from Turkish state outlets TRT Global and Anadolu Agency, confirm his presence in the Ukrainian delegation. But here’s where it gets Orwellian:
Ukrainian MP Artem Dmytryk1 has publicly accused Poklad of placing a $250,000 bounty on his head and orchestrating political murders, including the 2022 execution of Denys Kireyev, a fellow Ukrainian negotiator who was shot in the back of the head inside an SBU vehicle.
💬 The Quote That Wasn’t:
Russian media lit up with a supposed remark from their delegation:
“Next time, it’ll be five.”
But Margarita Simonyan, RT’s chief fabulist, took it further:
“We didn’t say five. We said eight.”
The problem? Simonyan wasn’t even at the talks. The actual Russian delegation said nothing of the sort. Her comment, made from a keyboard far from Istanbul, was a fiction. But in today’s diplomacy, fictional quotes often shape real headlines.
🔥 Ministry Analysis:
Let’s be clear: this isn’t a peace negotiation—it’s an international improv show with body counts.
Ukraine sends Oleksandr “The Strangler” Poklad, a man better suited to interrogation chambers than conference tables. Russia responds in kind—not with artillery, but with artistry: Vladimir Medinsky, a historical fiction writer turned diplomatic set piece, flanked by a state media apparatus that prefers punchlines to policy.
Enter Margarita Simonyan, RT’s resident fabulist, who chimed in from her echo chamber with the line:
“We didn’t say five. We said eight.”
She wasn’t in Istanbul. She wasn’t on the team. But in the algorithmic theater of modern diplomacy, proximity to facts is less important than performance. Her quote, entirely fabricated, was the perfect headline: provocative, unverifiable, and entirely on-brand.
Meanwhile, Donald Trump, in an accidental act of clarity, cut through the charade with this rare diplomatic gem:
“Nothing will happen until Putin and I get together.”
And just like that, the fog of war cleared. Not because of statesmanship—but because the reality show host said the quiet part out loud.
And that, in a sea of spin, might be the closest thing to diplomacy you’ll hear.
📌 Directive Summary:
When you send a man nicknamed “The Strangler” to a peace negotiation, you’re not extending an olive branch. You’re tightening a noose.
— The Ministry of Absolute Truth™
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