Did Israel Buy TikTok? No — But Your Brain’s Already Been Sold.
Inside the latest viral deception engineered by the attention economy.
Presented by The Ministry of Absolute Truth™
Dispatch No. 25-1022-Z
Issued: October 22, 2025
Classification: Public Enlightenment Directive
Subject: The Great TikTok Ownership Myth – How “Israel Owns TikTok” Became the Latest Digital Delusion
🧠 PREAMBLE: THE VIRAL VISION
Citizens of the Feed,
Another day, another revelation from the Department of Unverified Certainties.
Today’s trending enlightenment: “Israel owns TikTok.”
The Ministry has reviewed this claim with the appropriate mix of suspicion, caffeine, and despair. What follows is your mandatory deprogramming report.
📱 SECTION I – WHO ACTUALLY OWNS TIKTOK
Reality check: TikTok remains under the control of ByteDance Ltd., a private Chinese technology firm headquartered in Beijing.
Ownership distribution:
~60 % held by global institutional investors,
~20 % by founders and employees,
0 % by the Israeli state (yes, we triple-checked).
Despite this, an entire digital priesthood insists the platform is now a Mossad front, personally overseen by Tel Aviv’s algorithmic wizards.
The Ministry regrets to inform the public that Israel’s time is better spent surviving existential threats than curating your dance challenges.
🕵️♂️ SECTION II – ORIGIN OF THE RUMOR
The contagion began, as all modern miracles do, with “a post.”
One post becomes ten reposts, ten reposts become a movement, and before you know it, Karen from Kansas is connecting TikTok’s servers to the Temple Mount.
The logic?
Some U.S. firms rumored to invest in TikTok’s American branch (Oracle, Silver Lake, et al.) have executives or donors sympathetic to Israel.
Conclusion by the internet: “Therefore, Israel owns TikTok.”
This is what scholars refer to as Weaponized Coincidence—a powerful form of reasoning that requires no data, just passion and a functioning Wi-Fi connection.
🧩 SECTION III – THE REAL OWNERS OF YOUR MIND
Let us not be naïve. TikTok is not owned by Israel.
TikTok is owned by you—the user who gifts it your time, attention, and soul one scroll at a time.
Every view is a tithe. Every like is a confession.
Every algorithmic loop is a liturgy.
The true owner of TikTok is the digital id — that twitchy, dopamine-addicted reflection staring back at you from the black mirror.
Nationality: irrelevant. Faith: engagement.
💡 SECTION IV – THE MINISTRY’S VERDICT
After exhaustive investigation, the Ministry of Absolute Truth™ concludes:
Claim: “Israel owns TikTok.”
Status: Propaganda Grade B — Emotionally Satisfying, Factually Bankrupt.
Citizens are hereby instructed to withhold outrage until further notice, and to direct their paranoia toward more deserving candidates — such as whoever controls your data cloud or your mortgage rate.
⚙️ SECTION V – CORRECTIVE MEASURES
Repost Wisely: Sharing falsehoods is the digital equivalent of sneezing in a crowded train.
Audit Your Outrage: If it feels too perfect to be true, it probably was designed for you.
Reclaim Your Attention: ByteDance doesn’t need your passport. It already owns your eyeballs.
🏁 CLOSING DECLARATION
In the modern information battlefield, truth isn’t a weapon — it’s an endangered species.
Protect it accordingly.
When the next viral accusation arrives (and it will), pause. Breathe. Ask yourself:
“Who benefits if I believe this?”
If the answer is “someone selling ads,” congratulations — you’ve just graduated another level in Cognitive Self-Defense.
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